Reality Check.

It feels good to know where you stand in someone’s life but, at the very same time it’s tragic.

In my case, I was around to support the temporary lust. When the emptiness was present and the black hole that love left on his heart was open, I was the one to fill it in for the time being. I was nothing more than a seemingly close-enough, possibly real-enough substitution. I wonder sometimes, was I lying to myself subconsciously or was I really in love. Were we in love? There were times when I did ignore the signs. I ignored the hidden yet obvious motives. I was in it for my own selfish reasons as well though. I thought that maybe I could use him just as he used me. I play the nonchalant role. It didn’t get me anywhere, though. Should I have been more attentive? The answers and reasoning that I come up with lead me back to one thing. It felt real because we blinded ourselves and each other.

I’m not making excuses for any of this but; I am trying to make sense of it all. Being between lovers is a hectic situation with foolish rewards and expected failures. But like an expected failure, there is always a back-up plan. Was she his back –up plan? Could I have been the other back-up plan? It’s really hard to tell. The only thing that is clear is the fact that I’m moving on because I have to, I need to. I give in because I’m vulnerable, weak emotionally but, mentally and physically strong enough to know when enough is enough. Bumpy roads only last for but so long.

Was I not inquisitive enough? It seems that the women who ask the most questions get no answers and the ones who are quiet already have them. And I, the one with questions, have all the answers. I have finally decided to ask myself these things in writing because I needed to see what it looks like. Q&As out loud leave me livid and often times they end in tears of shame and regret. My insecurity stems from the inability to see the justification in the possible answers to these questions. I have thought out every possible answer for each and every one of these questions and none of them seem right.

One thing for sure though, it isn’t me with the problem. I say this whole heartedly because my issues have been voiced, though about, discussed, predicted, and regurgitated to me over and over again. I have found solace in creating havoc to evoke a response and only ending up with a deeper hole to climb out of. I have learned to humble myself and accept the fact that it takes some people longer to admit that they are wrong.

I also realize that growing is inevitable and unavoidable. So I cannot rush to be an adult for the sake of others around me but, for the sake of, well, me. I enjoy watching and feeling myself grow at my own pace. It has been happening and I can do nothing but take life head on and be patient in the stages of my life. I can’t run too fast or too slow.

As far as back-up plans go, I don’t like to consider my next move as a back-up plan when it comes to love. It just happens. It has to just happen. My biggest fear in love is breaking the heart of another because of my love for another.  The over-lapping of feelings is dangerous. I don’t want to mix any old feelings with the new so I must budget my steps into the new era. One step at a time from here. I know where I stand.